I want to explode. Sometimes there are so many little thoughts floating around in my head...and most of the time those little thoughts end up getting blown way out of proportion and becoming big thoughts when really they aren't. Sometimes I wish I could just stop thinking. Sometimes I think that I am not ready to be an adult, then I remember I already am one. Sometimes I hate my body, but then I remember I have a perfect body because my eyelashes catch my sweat. Sometimes I think that I am not good enough for my husband and that I am annoying to him. Then I remember that he asked me to marry him, so he must have seen something in me that makes me special, right? Sometimes I just feel really down. This is one of those times. I feel foggy and tired and I am just stuck. I'm not going anywhere. I'm not progressing. I am learning, but for what?
The other day I met a girl in my complex and she talked to me about how she graduated from school in psychology in 2007. Since then she has been working at various places and she has kind of been waiting for her husband to graduate from school. I asked if she was planning on going to grad school because with psychology..you kind of have to, and she told me something along the lines of "I mean I don't really plan on having a career or doing anything once my husband graduates."
It just bugged me. I don't know why. I totally get the whole "be a mom and raise your kids and motherhood is a divine calling of the Lord" and I totally agree as well...but I don't know. It just bugged me. And I feel like I have been off ever since. I didn't judge her or anything..or I guess I did, but I still think she is a very lovely person. That thinking just doesn't fit very well with me. I am doing what I am doing because I want to help people and I have an end goal of being able to do that. I want to make a difference. I'm not dumb..I know that being a mom is like the ultimate difference you can make in someones life...but still. Isn't there more than just that? I feel stuck in this bubble of "you have to be a mom" and I don't want to be there. Not yet. I want kids. And I am going to be a GREAT mom. I just don't understand how it is all supposed to fit together and work out yet. Can any of you make sense of this? because I don't think I can. It has been 2 days and I'm still feeling all wonky inside.
Sometimes I think that I am not good enough for my husband, but then I remember times like this:
and I know he is perfect for me.
(I had to end with something positive)
Ten points to the regina spektor (or is it skeptor? I can never remember) reference. I like that song.
ReplyDeleteSeven points for being my favorite-est sister in law ever, even if you are feeling all wonky and whatnot inside. I'd still be your friend even if you and Matt had never met. I don't know how I would have met you, but I would have and we would be epic pals. Much like we are now.
Eleven points for knowing that you don't want to be a mom just yet. It's totally rad for you to be a cool married woman without little kiddos yet. And when it is time for you to have little Matts and McKennas, I will spoil them for you so you can continue being an awesome mom who doesn't spoil her kids. Also, I will buy cute little things for them that you and I can play with when the kiddos are off taking a nappy nap or whatnot.
The end.
I don't think I've ever commented on your blog before, McKenna. But I do enjoy reading it and since this topic hits close to home, I thought I would give you some of my thoughts. I think there are different kinds of people in this world. Some want to be moms and that's all they want to be -- and like you say, that's a noble thing. But for some other people they feel more torn and want to do more than be moms. I'm definitely more like you in that way. I want to do good in the world for more than just my husband and child. I can relate to feeling confused about how to make sense of it all, how to balance it. I feel like I'm working that process out in my individual case every single day. I miss Addison when I'm not with her, but I also feel good about the other projects and endeavors I'm involved with -- and so I struggle with the balance, day in and day out. But one of the things that keeps me going is that 1) I know Addison will know that I love her, but 2) I also know she will learn that I love other people too, that it is a noble thing to give to people outside of your immediate sphere and circle. I think that is a great gift to give to a child. With your desires, I suspect that you'll be able to give that same gift to your children and that is a great thing.
ReplyDeleteMcKenna, we are sisters-in-law because I think at one point in our existence we might have been the same person. Except now you are super cool and I like to copy the cool things you do so that I can feel cool too.
ReplyDeleteThis is the story of my life. I've been thinking all week, I even told Graham, that sometimes I don't think I fit in the world around me because I have such big dreams. Dreams that I intend to make a reality in some way. I have to be very careful not to place my dreams above mommydom, but they are not below it either.
We are complex, rich, and full human beings. To say that we can only be one thing - like a mom, or only a psychologist, limits our potential. Your education as a psychologist will greatly aid your future family (when the time for kids comes). I have a feeling you'll manage the teenage years better than the rest of the Talleys/Pvakovs/Stiggins/Wards :) You can be as many things as you want (except a drug addict or a loser). I believe the desire and passion you have for your education is planted for a purpose. The Lord has a work He needs you to do, and that's part of that path.
I know that I have been called to be an artist. It's a hard thing to explain to people. I know that the Lord needs righteous men and women to work in one of the most influential mediums in the world, to be a source of hope, truth, and light. I want to be one of those pioneers. And I want a family too. I know I will have a unique opportunity to show my children how to stand firm in the face of a storm because of this.
This is a long post but this is something I'm really passionate about and I don't want you to feel wonky. Trust that you are doing what's right for YOU. I have no doubt that with the Lord's help you'll figure all of this out.
You have many callings in life.
Hey Bethany - don't count out the Pavkov teenagers. I deal with crazy kids everyday so I'm going to have it all figured out by the time my kids are there ;)
ReplyDeleteIt is hard to work out of the home when you have kids. It is hard to be home with your kids everyday. It is hard to know when is the right time, where is the right place, and what is the right way to use your talents in home, in the community and in the work force. I would make a guess that everyone at one time or another questions the way they have chosen to balance their time.
So... do what you feel is best for you. Get your education so you have options, but know that most likely making the choices about what to do with your options will be just as confusing :)
Hey McKenna - I think what probably bothered you about that girl in your complex is her like of goals or plan for her own life. (At least that is what bothers me about it :)). I think we all have commented because we all have the same feelings now and then. One of the great things I learned recently is we are given our own ambitions for a reason. We can be a great mom a great "whatever" and they don't have to compete with one another. Give yourself sometime and prayer to figure out what it is the Lord wants you to do, and then things will start feeling back to normal.
ReplyDeleteOh McKenna, look at all of these genuine responses to your post. There are so many people who love and adore you, and your husband is number 1 on that list! Don't you dare think for a second that you are not good enough for him. That is Satan trying to get into your head and between you and your husband. You are both so lucky and blessed to have each other, you are such a good match! If your relationship with Matt didn't stretch you and help you to grow, what would be the point?
ReplyDeleteAnd as for having babies, I don't think that is ever an easy decision. Being a mother is both so incredibly hard and so amazingly rewarding and satisfying in ways that I promise you cannot comprehend until you experience it. I have thought many times about how glad I am that I had a career before I got married, even though it was hard and lonely at times, because those experiences shaped me in unbelievable ways. It would have been torture for me to be married and not have kids right away. I do not envy the position you are in or the decisions you have to make. But, I think it is such a blessing that these are difficult decisions for you because when you figure it out, you will OWN it.
I know if you are prayerful and humble that you can come to a solution that you know is right for your family and be confident that you are doing the absolute best thing. I have had the experience of feeling like I should have a baby right away and the feeling of "this is what you were born to do" was powerfully impressed upon me time and time again during my pregnancy, and I have had the experience of worrying that I should be having another baby, but feeling confident that it was good to wait. I am grateful for both of those experiences and both of my babies!!!
My only caution is to be careful. Worldly ideas and priorities are so prevalent and subtle. It is easy to think that a career or a fancy degree is so important. An education is important and I have strong opinions about having a degree where you can earn a living. We need to seek after learning and growth, we are trying to become like God! But the greatest career, adventure, or education you could EVER have is to be a wife and a mother. It is why we are here on earth! I am amazed by you. You are wonderful. Embrace the fact that this is hard, and have confidence that you and Matt and Heavenly Father will sort it all out. Heavenly Father intends for us to be happy and sometimes the difficult days are the only way to lasting happiness. I love you, McKenna!!!
There's no reason why you can't have a career and be a mom, and to take on those responsibilities when you feel ready.. And you don't have to go to grad school or get your doctorate and become a certified psychologist unless you want to. You can do things that will leave more time for family and save money on school. You could be a youth counselor in your church, for instance. Whatever you decide to do, I'm sure it will work out great. You're a very special person. And don't get too stressed out. Part of the fun of life is finding out what's waiting for you around the next corner.
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