Who am I?

Being married, I feel like sometimes you mold into the same person that your spouse is. I'm not saying this is a bad thing...because I don't think it is, but it is difficult once you are separated from that person  that you share so much with for an extended period of time. Like when your husband goes to Princeton for the summer, and you are stuck in your old house where you lived when you were in high school with your parents and little sister. 

Note: I love my family, and I love being with them.

I have learned a lot about myself since I have been separated from Matt. That is why I think this summer has been a good experience for me. I know who I am when I am with Matt. And I know who I have become because of him...but who am I without him? It is an interesting question, and that question was the main reason that got me to be okay with leaving Matt for 3 months. Well, praying to the Lord is what helped me be okay with it because His answers were something like "You need to learn more about who you are on your own."

So, I have been on a sort-of journey of self-discovery this summer.

Coming home usually makes me feel like I am still in high school. I have told a couple of people that that is how I feel when I come home, even more-so when I don't have Matt with me because it's just the same set up as when I actually was in high school. The same parents, the same little sister living here, the same bedroom (I did redecorating and moved my furniture so that it would feel less like my high school days), the same people that I went to high school for the most part still live here. Granted, high school was not that long ago, but still...

Living here for the summer has made me realize that I am not the same person I was in high school.

Go figure. 

But when you think about it, a lot of people really are still the same as who they were in high school.

Anyways, here are some things I have learned about myself as I have been on my journey of self-discovery.

1. I can do things on my own, despite my baby-ness when my husband is around.

Usually, when we are in Provo, I let Matt do a lot of things. "Adult things" are what I like to call them. Like, pay rent, or pay tithing...well usually a lot of the adult things have to do with money...but some others include driving everywhere, going to the gym, or calling people (so adult, huh?) Since I have been on my own, I have had to a lot of those things by myself. This does not even sound like that big of a deal..I mean the things I listed make me forreal sound like a baby, but hellooooo maybe that is why this summer has been so good for me. So I can stop being such a baby and just go to the gym on my own. I drove to New Jersey from North Carolina all by myself! Who would have thought that my baby self would ever be brave enough to do that?

2. I am assertive.

I like to know when things will be done, how things will be done, and who will be doing said things. My job this summer has helped me to realize this. I have grown a lot in this aspect. This has sort of been something that I have always known, but it has just been amplified, and I think now I know how to apply it in a business/work type setting. 

3. My opinions do matter.

I don't want anyone to think that the reason I am just learning this about myself now is because my husband makes me thing my opinions don't matter. THAT IS FALSE. I love my husband, and if anything he has been the one to help me try and see this up until this point. I have always felt unsteady or unsure about expressing my opinions about things.. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings or push my beliefs on anyone I guess. My opinions do matter though. 

I have learned a lot more,  but those are just some of the things I have learned about myself.

Here are some things I have learned about Matt:

1. He can be assertive, but he is also very concerned with my opinions.

Usually, when we try to figure out things to do for date night, it is a battle of indecisiveness on both ends. We can never choose. Whether it is because we don't want to make a decision that the other person is not okay with, or because we really just don't care, it can be really frustrating at times. Matt is assertive, though. Since he has been gone, we have had some pretty awesome conversations about this topic. He has realized that this type of indecisiveness is not really helpful to anyone, and I have realized that a lot of the times the reason he is indecisive (and me too for that matter) is because he is worried about what I will think about the decision he makes. My husband values my opinion! That is a wonderful thing, and I hope that every woman find a man who values her. But, it is also really nice when he makes the decisions, and he has realized that, and I have realized that as well. A lot of the times when I feel so stressed is because I have had to make a lot of decisions of what to do when we have time to relax, and Matt has taken initiative and it is awesome to see that.

2. My husband misses me just as much as I miss him.

Call me stupid, but I was afraid that when Matt left he was going to realize that he doesn't really need to be around his wife all the time, and that when we got back to Utah he was going to live in a little hole and never talk to me again. You don't have to call me stupid, I will do it. I'm stupid. That is the biggest load of garbage. Silly me. I have realized, though, that he misses me just as much as I miss him. We just express it differently. Matt asks me when I am planning to come visit him again, and I know that he misses me. I tell him 50 times a day that I miss him, and he knows I miss him. We are different people. Sometimes I forget that.

Despite the fact that this whole summer has been incredibly difficult, it has been a very good thing. It isn't over yet, but I am already really grateful for the things that I have learned about myself, my husband, and our relationship together. It has been kind of cool to take a step back from our life together, and re-evaluate the way that we communicate or the life that we created for ourselves. Not saying that I would recommend living for 3 months away from your husband, but I am saying that it is always good to do some journeying to self-discovery.

Side note: I talked to a girl this week about her fiance who is currently serving in Iraq. He left in May and does not get back until December. I could not do that. Thank you Lord that this internship only lasts for the summer.