I told you so

With school starting up again for all of my friends and what seems like everyone around, lots of different thoughts have started welling up.

My last first day of school at BYU..a year ago.

My husband is currently in grad school at NC State for nuclear engineering (I lovingly refer to him as the smarty pants of the relationship. I'm not quite sure how he feels about it..but lots of people agree). 

I am jealous.

Why, you ask, would I want to be in a nuclear engineering program? Well, I don't. BUT! I do really really want to be back in school. Some of you might not know, but I graduated from BYU super fast. Like amazing race fast. I started June of 2009 and graduated in December of 2012. For those of you who are not math whizzes, that is about 3 and a half years. Wait...isn't college normally supposed to take 4 years? Usually, I guess, but my case was different. I finished quickly because Matt was finishing and it was the best thing for us at the time.

Everyone going back to school makes me realize how lucky I was to be in school, though. The words of my brother, Abram, are almost haunting now. He told me that I should appreciate BYU while I am there because I will miss it so much once I leave. I never thought that would be true because I hated living in Provo and the whole culture that goes along with it...but I now give my brother permission to tell me:

"I told you so."

Since we moved to North Carolina a lot of things have happened...I got called to be the church camp director, I started volunteering at a domestic violence center, Matt started grad school, my little sister graduated from high school, my mom graduated from grad school, my big sister got married, my dad passed away, I got denied to the MSW program at NC State and I got called to be a miamaids advisor for the young women in my ward. I'm sure I missed some things, but I think that pretty much sums everything up.

A lot of really good things have happened and a few not so good things have happened, too..but the one thing that I really wanted hasn't happened. More than anything I want to be in school. I long for the first day of classes, with the unlimited possibilities of things to learn and people to meet. I long to be learning and progressing. I long for the structured days and the idea that I was working towards something. I know I can do those things on my own, but it is so much harder.

All of my life plans have sort of hinged on the fact that I will go to graduate school, and now that I am not I just feel kind of useless. I made all of these plans and none of it is happening for me. Immediately I think, well what does Heavenly Father have planned for me? Because obviously it is different from what I was hoping. But then I think...am I doing something wrong? What more could I be doing? What should I be doing?

I believe that I did not get into grad school for many reasons: we don't have the financial stability, the program ended up not being what I really wanted, my dad passes away and I need to be a support to my family, my little sister is about to go off to college. But I also have not been able to get a job. I believe that I have not gotten a job because of all of those things listed above along with a few others. But the last big thing is about to happen and I am just waiting hoping for something big to happen. I will drive Shelby out to BYU-Idaho the second week of September. I am so so happy that I get to take this trip with her and that I get to be there for her during this big change in her life, and I'm glad that I don't have a job that would prevent me from doing this. But as soon as I get back from Idaho I am hoping that I will have a million calls from prospective employers begging me to come work for them!

Realistic? Probably not, but a girl can dream! :] I do feel that once Shelby goes off to school that it will be time for me to do something, whether that is working at Old Navy or landing a job at an awesome non-profit I don't know. I just feel that I have handed my life over to the Lord for a while and it should be about time for something that I want, right!? Gah, I sound so selfish. I truly am grateful for everything I have..but I am tired of feeling stuck. I feel the need to contribute to the family, and I just haven't been doing that since I haven't been schooling or working lately. I have rested long enough, give me some work! If you know of anything in the Raleigh area..send it my way ;] I just wish I could go back to school with my husband. Being a grown up is hard work..who woulda thunk it? Until I do get work, though, I will be the most supportive wife I can be because I truly am proud of Matt and all that he is accomplishing.