unexpected

So it has taken me a while to bring myself to write this blog post...but I think it is about time I come to terms with it, and writing down how I feel has always been a way for me to cope with things, so here it goes.

This is my dad.

A lot of you already know, but he passed away recently. It has been a little over three months since I have seen him.

It

is

hard.

It is hard even just writing this blog post. As I sit here thinking of what to write, my throat starts to ache and my lip starts to quiver, and my eyes water as I try to hold back the tears. Considering I want to be a counselor and help people to cope with their emotions, I don't really understand how to cope with my own.

I have not really come to terms with my dad passing away, yet. I don't know when or if that will ever happen. Sometimes I will wake up from having a dream about my dad and realize all over again that he is gone. Sometimes I will want to call him to tell him a funny story. Sometimes I will cry because I go through my old voicemails left on my phone just to hear the one that my dad left telling me that he was proud of me.

I miss my dad.

Something that is great, though, is that even though he isn't here with me right now, all of the things that he taught me and all of the lessons I learned from watching him still stick around.

My dad taught me how to laugh.

 If you ask anyone that knew my dad they will probably have a funny story to tell about him. He was one of the funniest people I will ever know. If you were ever at my house, there would always be lots of loud laughing either because of my dad or because he had blessed each of his kids with a crazy sense of humor.

When I was in high school my dad had to have his leg amputated because of diabetes. If that wasn't hard enough, a few weeks before he passed away, my dad had to have his other leg amputated. Can you imagine going through life without your legs? I know I can't. But for my dad it was a reality he was prepared to face. Whether it was his coping mechanism for dealing with the uncertainty or not, my dad was still happy and joking even when he was faced with a very serious struggle. I got to go to physical therapy with my dad while he learned how to strengthen his leg. We turned on Just Dance on the Wii and my dad, not being able to dance, stood on his first prosthetic leg to strengthen it, and sang along with Proud Mary. He was so happy! What an incredible man.

My dad taught me how to love.

My parents are amazing. My dad taught me so many things about marriage and parenting. He loved my mother so so so so much. He would send her flowers all the time, just to say how thankful he was for her. My mom recently received her masters degree, but on the way to receiving that degree she received recognition and was placed in the honors program. She was expected to go to a ceremony for her and the other students receiving the same honor, but it was at least three hours away. My mom being the selfless mother that she is, told my dad that he didn't have to come to the ceremony because she knew that he was tired from dialysis and work. My dad didn't even consider not going as an option. He told my mom "how else can I show you that I love you?" He knew that she had gone through so much on her road to receiving a masters degree, and he wanted to support her and show he loved her by acknowleding her hard work. That three hour drive meant nothing to him if it could help him show my mom how much he cared for her and supported her.

Not only did he support my mom, but he also supported me and my siblings in every single thing that we did. I applied to graduate school for this fall semester at NC State, and I really really wanted to get in. I love being in school, and that is all I have really wanted to do since I graduated in December. I didn't get in. I sent out a mass text to my family telling them the news. My dad called me within minutes of sending out the text and asked me how I was doing. I said I was fine. He knew I was lying because my voice was catching as I tried to hold back tears. He asked me if I was sad and I started crying and told him that I was really upset. He listened to me cry, and told me that there was something else that the Lord wanted me to do. I don't think he knew how much that phone call meant to me, but it showed me that he loved me and that he cared about the things I cared about.

Not to mention all of the millions of events he went to as my siblings and I grew up. My dad is pretty stinkin' awesome. I can't really think of one thing that he missed that was extremely important for all of us kids growing up because he knew that being at our events showed us that he loved us.

My dad taught me how to honor my covenants.

When I was young I knew I wanted to go to the temple and make covenants with the Lord because that's what my parents did. As I grew up and got older I realized WHY my parents did it because they taught me.

I went to the temple with my dad a few months before he passed away. It was heart warming to see my dad, who already struggled to walk with one good leg, participate in the endowment session in the temple. Even though he struggled with walking, and even though he had to have temple workers help him with certain aspects of the endowment, my dad was still there and he still did it. He showed me how important the temple was because he made it a priority to go even when it would have been so much easier for him not to go. He was at the temple when my older siblings and I went through for our own endowments AND sealings, and he was there when Chelsea was sealed to Doug in July.

There a lot of other things that my dad taught me, but I have been a mess writing this. Basically, I needed to write this because I think I have been avoiding talking about my dad because it is truly heart breaking to accept that he is gone. I wanted to record some of the great things about my dad. Also, I wanted everyone to know that because of the things that my dad taught me, I know that even though we are separated now, we will be together for eternity. My dad lived his life in a way that was pleasing to the Lord and because of that he has been blessed. If I live my life and obey the things that my dad taught me I know that we can be together forever because of the sealing ordinances performed in the temple. What a wonderful blessing and I am so grateful that my dad was the one to teach me that.